This is really very funny but you MUST read it out loud!

Tenjewberrymuds


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the
conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees.

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS "Ow July den?"

G: "What??

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?

G: "Crisp will be fine.

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?

G: "What?

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?

G: "I don't think so.

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means.
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bodder?

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side.

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side.

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder on sigh and copy....rye??

G: "Whatever you say.

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds.

G : "You're very welcome."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Finally, I've read something that made my head hurt worse than Dr Suess' "Fox in Sox"

BBL after a glass of aspirin & a handful of water...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Two nuns are walking through a graveyard late one evening on their way back to the convent when they are set upon by two young males who leap from the bushes. They pin the nuns down and begin to have their wicked way with them.

At this point one of the nuns cries out "Oh father, please forgive this child as he knows not what he is doing", to which the other nun replies "Well mine certainly does".

A stroll down memory lane with George!

The mother fucking revisionists can't help themselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFmR...feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLN6...feature=related

__________________
I like; a) taint brushing: b) a good cigar: c) our juices together; d) champagne: e) protein squirts; f)more of these; g)much more of these; h) Damn, slide that thing into me. Deep!
Adage: 2 things are certain in life; Death & Taxes. Therefore; God & Beelzebub had a meeting to fix the problem. A mighty storm prevailed for ages until finally they ended the storm with the agreement: From now on Anyone whom chooses doesn't have to die. "Everyone wins said Beelzebub. You get an eternally grateful bunch of worshippers praying forever for lower taxes as I goad & prod them forever with higher & higher taxation."

Why men don't write advice columns


Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.



Walter

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is not quite a joke, but,


Would you like to live here? These are names of actual locations:

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^I live not far from Shag's Harbour.

__________________

Si à travers nos veines coule encore le sang...
Si dans les jeux d'enfants on entend encore l'accent...
Si nous sentons encore l'espoir de nos grands-parents...
Si dans les voiles du large souffle encore le vent...
Y'a jamais eu de Grand Dérangement.

Phuket, Thailand

__________________
Eudaimonia

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and

asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.



In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30

years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new

clothes and other incidentals that she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her

husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he

explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate

downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of

59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what

he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty

years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then

she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were

worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the

largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"

him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results

of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her

husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found

his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I

would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.



You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths

shut.

Sometimes women don't know when to shoot blanks, unlike most men.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'.


In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made
love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After
supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.


The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't
getting enough work done.


Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.


"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That
will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any
field time."


They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office.


"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"


"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find
a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."


"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.


"Ah mighta trained her too good...................

I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

__________________
--------
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind."
Nora Ephron

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"
Drew Carey

See above.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^




A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

__________________

Yes, scared him stiff.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating