A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers

are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously

have a sense of humor

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around

watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send

me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which

does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,

which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every

Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come

naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely

handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath

them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine

before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour...

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The Madam

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw
a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?", she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man
she charged $5000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money , gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, " Ontario ". "Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am
her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

An elderly man in
Louisiana had
owned a large farm
for several
years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it
up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and
peach
trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,
and look it over.
He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they
all
went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until
you leave!"


The
old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked."
Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think
fast.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie"...with their 8-year-old son in the apartment...was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed ..

"An ambulance just drove by".

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving".

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "Umm...how do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

This is one for the Larry Niven SCI-FI fans.

It won't mean much to the others.

"How many Puppeteers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. They hire Beowulf Shaeffer to do it. Lightbulbs can be dangerous"

"How many Trinoc does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Why do you want to know about our maintenance schedules? Are you planning to attack us in the dark?"

"How many Kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. It sounds perfectly OK to them."

"How many tnuctip does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Depends what you want them to change it into."

"How many Kzin does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. You can scream and leap in the dark."

"How many Carlos Wus does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"With an unlimited breeding licence, who needs lightbulbs?"

"How many Slavers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Dunno. How susceptible are lightbulbs to telepathy?"

"How many Grogs does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"One. Something with manipulatory appendages will be along eventually."

"How many bandersnatchii does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Two. One to sit on your armoured hunting car, and one to explain what you'll have to do before it gets off again."

"How many Pak Protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Only one, but the lightbulb has to smell right."

"How many Ringworld Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Thirty. Hey, moving suns around isn't easy..."

"How many Outsiders does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Personal questions cost one trillion stars."

"How many Teela Browns does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Stupid question."


Some more Lightbulb Jokes by Matthew Joseph Harrington
Q) How many thrintun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) CHANGE THE BULB. --None.

Q) How many tnuctipun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Technically, none. You just have to remember to feed the old one.

Q) How many kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Why change this one? It sounds fine to me.

Q) How many Pak protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Hard to say. This one's too busy killing things with the old one.

Q) How many human protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) I'm not changing it. I'm rigging it so when a Pak protector tries to change it it should kill thirty or forty of them.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah yes, the dumb like a fox redneck. Gotta love it.

Too true!

__________________
Eudaimonia

A Niven fan?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

a BIG one!

... and the Science Fiction of Roger Zelazny.

__________________
Eudaimonia

Not such a fan of Roger Z, but I've been a Niven fan since forever.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' (I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!!!!'

Hey?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos
and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus