I was anally raped last year by a man that I loved. Had found out that he was cheating on me and told him to leave (shortened version!) -----he didn't---------it took me months to accept that this had happened--longer to speak about it. Can now deal with it a wee bit better as realise it was a power thing--nothing to do with sex/love. It really screwed me up----made dangerous and stupid choices for a while---"fuck the pain away"-------but now I am with a sweet guy who makes me feel safe again------I don't have to pretend to be something I am not--------it may take a while,but I feel I am making progress-------the crying is less and the nightmares not as scary. My friends have been excellent and I couldn't ask for more------my family don't know(it would break mum's heart) My man deals with it and how it has left me----not bad for our first 3 months together-------thanks babe.
Sorry for rambling on---and thanks for tking the time to read this!
Hope 03 brings u all peace , strength and love.

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Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!

CelticAngel,

I'm *so* sorry this jerk (I'm being polite right now) here did such a horrible act to you! What a horrible way to reward "love"!

I'm sorry that you further victimized yourself afterward. A lot of us did or do such things. I certainly did a lot of things to get "back" at myself and at others around me. I was not a nice person for quite a long time. I hope you're ok now. It might be helpful to find a support group of people with similar experiences to share with; they will understand. Therapy can be helpful too.

Offering warm *SAFE* hugs!

Thanks LizH!

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Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!

SO proud of you babe....... takes a lot to post about personal things, even here....... love ya loads!

DM

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

love u too sweetie-----thanks!

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Don't pet the sweaty things!!!!

Rape is not about sex, it's about power and domination. My brother was beaten and his gf abducted and raped repeatedlyby three youths. She didn't "ask" for it and it wasn't her fault. No one asks for it and it is no one's right to take it.

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Lots of people talk and few of them know, soul of a woman was created below

I can't get through to her 'cause it doesn't permit
But I'm gonna give her everything I've got to give.

I hear your sweet voice calling
out my name
As I stare from a six foot cell
And from beyond I heard the words
Deceptively Yours

Okay. Here goes.

When I was 15, my boyfriend at the time.. who was 19, tried to rape me. I broke his jaw with a right hook and ran for my life. He stalked me for 6 months.

At 18, I lost my virginity to rape, to my boyfriend at the time. I had been waiting for marriage, and my boyfriend knew it, but he just didn't respect that, that night. A month later, he broke up with me, but I just.. I felt so worthless, I wanted him back.. I just kept having sex, feeling like he'd already gotten what he wanted, that it was the only way to keep him, blah blah blah. Needless to say, my confidence was shit, and I was doing stupid things. I eventually got pregnant by him, he proposed, I said yes, and then I miscarried. I broke up with him a week later.

Then I met this guy. Rob*. Rob* was my rebound guy. We met, we fucked (a LOT), and I thought things were going just dandy. I had this lovely, BUILT, lusty guy, and that felt good to me. Now, I make it very clear to my boyfriends, girlfriends, and fuckbuddies that I do NOT have sex when I've been drinking. It is a general rule of mine. One night, Rob* and I went out to drink. We drank a LOT. There was a building-crawl going on at my dorm at the university, and we went back to party there. I said no, I wouldn't be having sex, and he said okay, and offered me more wine. He kept filling my glass, and eventually, he shut the door and started kissing me. Kissing felt okay, so I let it happen, but he started trying to undress me, and I said no, no no no no no no. He just wouldn't listen. He hit me in the face, cracking my cheekbone, and then hit me in the mouth (luckily no teeth came loose), but split my lip, and then threw me on the bed... he took the wine bottle, and shoved it up my... it ripped up my insides, till blood was running down my legs onto my bed. Then he turned me over and put his hand around my neck, and ordered me to watch him.. he slipped on a condom, hit my body and face a few more times, and then fucked me. Raped me. Told me he loved me and hated me, told me I was a goddess and a whore. And then I started to scream, and he said he'd kill me if another sound left my mouth. He almost did.. the bruises around my neck were brutal... he held my neck for leverage as he fucked... when he was done, I threw his clothes out the window, and he beat me for it, but had to run through my building naked, and blood-stained to get them.

The police didn't believe me. And the priests at my church blamed me.

I don't have much faith in authority anymore.

You ought to have one living 2 miles away from you.

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I am here for only a short time on this earth. My goal is to make everyone I see smile if only for a moment.

jeez, that's pretty deep (emotionally)

*hugs* for Lilith_82... thanks for having the courage to tell your story.

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I see your fantasy... you want to make it a reality

Are you in the mood to be subdued

You see these shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave

Tie me to the bedpost

I like it rough
cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

*hugs* and prayers for all of you and for those reading but not yet ready to post!!

\
Thank you.. I just.. I feel it's important for survivors to be able to tell their stories, and bond with people who can understand...

I just wanted to send love, peace and hugs to everyone who has posted. I'm a volunteer in our local sexual assault and domestic violence center, and the one thing that I can say is that instead of lessening my faith in humanity, it has increased it exponentially. I am forever in awe of the amount of strength it takes to survive something so unspeakably horrible, and I admire all of your courage for posting your stories- there are very few people whose lives have not been touched by sexual violence, and even if those folks aren't ready to post, just knowing that they are not alone will help.

(((Hugs)))

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I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the truth of imagination. What the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth - whether it existed before or not.
-John Keats

All I can say is...


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))

to all.

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I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

The first time I was alone late at night trying to make it (walking) to the train station in Chicago. I had to walk several blocks down Michigan Avenue, and most everything was closed where I was walking. My boyfriend (future husband and is black) and I secretly met at a theatre to watch a movie together on our way back to college via train. I was going to see the movie w/him, get to the train station, and just spend the night at the train station until in the morning when it would leave for Carbondale (school). He was staying overnight w/relatives and would be given a ride to the train station in the morning. He was too afraid to let them know he and I were dating, so when they picked them up, he didn't ask them to give me a ride to the train station. Thus, I was left to walk there by myself.

At one point I had 2 men coming toward me on the sidewalk and one coming from behind. They weren't together. The man behind me got to me first and forced me into an alley. The other two men instead then just went around us and kept walking. So I consider myself lucky that it was only one and not 2 or even 3. And I blamed myself for being out in that area that late at night by myself...thought it was my fault for being so stupid.

I never told my boyfriend because I was afraid he wouldn't want me anymore; he was still a member of a very fundamental church at that time. And I never reported it because I figured that I would just be branded a slut because my boyfriend was black...kind of a..well, what do you expect from that kind? type reaction.

This was at the very end of 1967. I was 19. The only time it haunts me is when I am very stressed and feel I don't have any control of my situation; then I relive it in nightmares. Once I feel back in control, they go away.

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Communication is the key.