Okay (note a long one here sorry...)

Short question:
- When someone has made up their mind and can't be reasoned with, what do you do when you care about the person and are afraid that any futher discussion is simply going to be one of those I see what I see and that must be the way it is things...

Long story/details.

What would you do? Or said differently - what should I do?

I have a group of college friends that still hang together. And we've been hanging for 20 years or so. These are the "core people". You know the ones, the ones you count on. And even though you don't see them as much, the pulse still beats strong.

One of the friends is an older guy. He's about 20 years older than the rest of us. He's also single. And has been single every since I've known him. Also, he has lived in the same place with his brother for 30+ years (both divorcees). Not really relevent, except that it plays into the story a little.

As a group, we're a rather close bunch, but as we've gotten older, most of us (all but him) have gotten married and many of us now have kids and all of have careers. It is hard to see each other much. And we aren't the softest of friends. We rip each other pretty good (Me = beer guy, him = old, other friend uptight etc). And lord knows if you aren't crisp on the field you'll get ripped for that too. And then we laugh and drink a lot of beer.

Over the last few years we've been reduced to softball, Fantasy Football and the occasional get together.

Anyway, at our last get together he didn't show up, so I called him and found his phone # was disconnected. I sent him an e-mail asking him if he was okay.

The first response was "I disconnected my phone 10 weeks ago because I don't get dial up anymore. I got a cell phone, and here's the #". I shot a one sentence response with good to hear from him etc..

He sent me a long e-mail response to that. Basically telling me that I hadn't bothered to call him and he didn't feel he was obligated to advise me of his phone change etc. Then he got into that he thinks I think he's gay! And that if I was a real friend I'd tell him where I was getting my information from and why does everyone think he's gay. And that his brother, whom he had lived with for 30+ years (who I know through my friend) had moved out, because they couldn't get along - basically because my friend (apparently) kept asking why I, my wife and 'others' - including the brother - thought he was gay, when in fact he was not and when was the last time we spoke etc....Note - I only see the brother once a year or so and when my friend is present.
And it was filled with references to last year and he ripped on another friend from an event two years before!

Anyway, paranoid sad and bitter stuff.

So, I sent a nice response that said I didn't really know what he was talking about, but would be glad to talk to him. And honestly, I have no idea.

Predictably no response. What can he say?

Anyway, several months later, here I sit. I'm rather sad about this. But I don't know how to reach out and - staying on the high road - reconnect with him. He's dumped the whole group.

Maybe this is just me being upset because I am percieved as a problem, I don't know. But he was a very good friend to me for a long time, and I feel terrible that he feels hurt - even if it is all in his head. In hindsight, this wasn't sudden, I think he's been pulling away slowly and this has been piling up over the last few years, unknown to the rest of us. Plus I want to help with life lessons - don't let this stuff stew, if you were hurting, you should have told us etc I tried to work that into the response I sent.

But anyway...long enough. Do I just simply need to wait it out, and either he'll come back in to the fold or he won't? In theory Fantasy Football starts in the fall and he's the commish so that has to be addressed. Haven't thought about how to do that.

I don't know. I think about this a lot and feel bad, but haven't reached out past that e-mail.

Thoughts? Advice?

Friendship is a two way street - he has to want to engage. However, it's your responsibility to make him feel welcome, and wanted, and to seek him out.

I'd call him (much better medium than email) and apologize for the conversation getting off poorly last time. Tell him that you miss him, and would like to catch up...find out what's going on his life. If the gay thing comes up, explain that you don;t think he's gay - and even if he was, he'd still be your friend. You don;t care. Too many years as friends - you know who he really is.

Is your friendship more important or your pride? If he's had that many changes in his life, he may be lonely and looking for someone to demonstrate some initiative. He may have been having a bad day. And he may feel bitter and deserted - hopefully the apology will diffuse any of those feelings some. Follow up phone calls and consistency will help repair the relationship, if he too wants it repaired.

Good luck!

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Life is too short not to love and be loved....preferably multiple times in one night.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney

If he's wandered out of your comfort zone, let him keep wandering.

Friendship is trust and acceptance, any less than that is just acquaintance.

Is he a friend or an acquaintance?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

a friend in need is a friend indeed. reach out for as long as he let's you, and then try some more. ask him for coffee, or dinner, or a beer, just the two of you, so you can talk about this.

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

OF, he's the commish of the Fantasy Football league, this is important!

All seriousness aside, if you're content with the status quo, let the sleeping dogs lie.

If you would really rather re-connect, call him up, & don't leave anything unsaid. If he's truly paranoid, he won't believe any of your reassurances, & the rift will be permanent...if he's open to reason, you will have renewed a friendship, & that's always better...

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

I agree in part with Osuche. It is a two way street. He has a dialpad on his phone just as you do, and I'm sure his phone doesn't only take incoming calls only. On the other hand, I don't believe it's up to only you to seek him out. Yes, make him feel welcome, but he has to understand you have responsibilities now and you can't spend every weekend having drinks with him. DO give him a call on occasion. Just don't be the only one making the call.

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Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. ~Roger Miller

Thank you everyone. I've been thinking a lot about the answers you've offered, and I suspect the right thing is for me to give him a call...and stay on the high road. But I haven't worked up to it yet. Maybe as you guys said a simple "just checking in" without recrimination is the way to go. I do know that often times little steps can solve big issues. Still thinking.

Well. I made the call. Interesting discussion. Hopefully the air is clear now.

I can provide the details, but I can't believe this is fascinating enough for anyone to care that much.

Suffice it to say that I think we're back on track. But I am holding out a little bit that I may get an angry e-mail in the next few days (he does seem a little unhinged). Or perhaps we'll just walk on egg shells for awhile.

Anyway, thank you all, I wouldn't have reached out without you.

Why? That's never stopped you before!

JK...

Glad you decided to reach out, friends are hard to come by in this world, & we all need all of them we can get...& hopefully he'll stay on his meds & not come unglued again

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.