Peculiar Personals

[csjames75]

Just idea - Thought it might be fun to make each other laugh when the most off the wall personals we could think to create. Only rule is that you:

Have to use the last word of the person who wrote the personal before you.

>>> Single Albino male seeks red-eyed companion for stamp licking and scabplay. Familiarity with kitty litter brands and an openness to living in small confined spaces a plus . Must be a Steve Guttenberg fan!

[csjames75]

>>> Fan of Mongolian throat music seeks herd animal for light bondage over long distances. Two or more humps a plus. Come and share my yak milk.

[nicole2309]

Milk ladden momma seeks a good little boy who still likes to breastfeed. Wants someone who's not afraid to get a spanking when he's bad and isn't afraid to go around the house all day in his diaper.

and I think this is a really cute idea for a thread... thanks

[csjames75]

*laugh ... awesome Nicole. Made me laugh out loud*

>>> Diaper fetishist looking for a naughty nursemaid who can burb and clean baby. Will keep you up ALL NIGHT LONG (with my crying). Wet naps a must.

[Aqua]

Must you spank me so hard? Professional male looking for a woman that knows what I need and is not afraid to give it to me. Scars a plus!

[csjames75]

Plus size potential women need only apply. Fatty-loving man looking for a woman to feed until immobile. I've got the food bib, just need the babe. I like to start with a blank canvas, so no fatties please!

[nicole2309]

Please call me, looking for anything with a penis. Woman seeking man, not picky, no standard, just please come put it in me!!!

[csjames75]

>>> Me: A 35-year-old into Dungeons and Dragons, indoor games and asthema medication. You: A Lara Croft geek babe eager to teach me to use my magic wand. Must be willing to sneak into my basement window to avoid Mother. Stop reading over my shoulder Mother ... stop it ...

[SuzyQ]

It would seem I would never write a personal, but here I am a lonely housewife wating for some one who likes classical music, long walks, good books, fine wine, loves laughing, pets, long talks, RV ing, sailing, gardening, cooking, oooooooh and sex

[csjames75]

>>> Sex-less love? Recent eunuch seeks platonic marriage with non-sexual sister-type. We can go shopping together, do each other's hair and go antiquing. Must be into body mortification and skin cutting,

[TinTennessee]

:rofl: you people just aren't right! I like that about you tho lol

[Pita]

(I am loving this game :D )


Cutting, biting, spanking, nipple pulling. I want a man that can Dom me like the little slut I am. Come on Baby, what are you waiting for? Your playtoy is waiting for you. :lurv:

[BIBI]

You have only had the rest...it's now time for the best!
If you like to walk hand in hand on the beach and share romantic moments curling up in front of a blazing fire. If you are looking for a soul mate and someone to grow old with and share wonderful family times.........DON'T CALL ME!
Just seeking pure unadulerated sexual escapades with a few boytoys!

[nicole2309]

Boytoys Wanted: Only interested in finding a man who can perform on command, please me at any and all times, and doesn't mind to live in the damp cold basement. Prefer a man who will stay chained to the wall at all times.

[csjames75]

TIME to shake what your momma gave ya. $$$ Established part-time photographer looking for sexy girls to model for $$$ Published pics on skanksonfilm.com, thecumming.com and CaptSmut.com. Bring tequila, some condoms and an unsigned check. This year my studio, next year Hustler.

[nicole2309]

Hustler Needed: profesional working girl looking for man who knows how to make top dollar off of his women, has his own corners, and will put his pimp hand down whenever someone doesn't pay upfront. Hat with oversized feather required.

[csjames75]

Required: Steady hand and a steel stomach. Quadriplegic invalid with scabies looking for a live-in caregiver/sensual masseuse who can take care of my medical needs and rub my remaining appendage. Swallowing not required ... need only your shots, astro-glide and rubber gloves.

[Cassiopeia]

Glove wearing dominatrix in need of a boot-licking subordinate who doesn't mind a little pain.

[csjames75]

Pain is fleeting: Let our hearts be joined in the radiant teachings of The Bob. New religion looking for members to follow Bob as he shows us how to escape the bounds of this realm and follow him in the Mothership to our new kingdom on planet CRZY-8. Please bring a will, a jumpsuit, some gelding shears, and the Kool-Aid of your choice.

[WildIrish]

Married Family Man seeks public humiliation at the hands of someone other than his own children. Pink tu tu, rickshaw and bullwhip not out of the question.

[dicksbro]

"Question Creator" needed for bondage magazine crossword puzzle. Must be able to communicate while bound and gagged.

[Pita]

Gagged is how I want to be when swallowing your big, fat cock. If you have more then the average Joe and like a woman that can give you her all then give me a call. ;)

[nicole2309]

Call me if you're looking for a good time. 76y/o SF seeking young stud to come and put it on (grand)momma. He's gotta be good with a bedpan, walker, and his tongue.

[Mercury_Maniac]

Tongue Enthusiast here..looking for women with extremely long tongues that will be able to lick my entire body in a few laps and be able to down a bottle of ketchup in 10 seconds(one of my big turnons :D). Also would be interested in a woman doctor friend that is able to write out phony prescriptions to aid my everlasting drug abuse problem. Fantastic lover in bed.....if i'm not wasted out of my Mind!

[scotzoidman]

Mind control scientist seeking Manchurian candidate, must be open to cross-pollenating with herbal roots - you bring the ski poles & WD-40, I'll bring the shaved koala

[Pita]

Koala bear hairy is the way I want my man. I am looking for me a real jungle boy who isn't opposed to swinging from the chandliers to romping in the great outdoors with this hot lady who never met a tree she couldn't climb or man of fur she couldn't tame.

[SuzyQ]

Horny housewife looking for a postman who will deliver orgasms in about 60 seconds while he is dropping off the mail. Please call me to ensure that my 6'11" 300 pound hubby is not home and that the pit bull is tied up.

[mannis]

Hmmmmmmmmm from tame to horny??.........oh well....lol..continuing on with last word....which was UP


Upscale utility man.....experienced in all facets of home and lifestyle repair,seeking additional work in refurbishing items in disrepair.The satisfaction starts when the initial stripping is performed and is completed when the last coat is sprayed on.Call for appointment

[SuzyQ]

Opps...forgot about the last word

Appointment wanted with lesbian that likes to go to bars and make love in washrooms, movie theaters, elevators as well as other places we can dream up together. You are a very sensitive person, who will meet my needs but only for short term relationship. :69:

[csjames75]

Relationships are passe. Blind, death and dumb octagenarian man looking for someone for carnel love. No words, no date, no getting to know, just getting inside you. Hurry before I die. If you'd like, we can include in the fun my guide dog.

[Pita]

Dog lover wanted for professional dog walker. Must love long walks in the park, playing fetch and having his belly rubbed. Ideally I am looking for that special breed of man that can lick his own dick and treat me like the bitch in heat that I am.

[csjames75]

Am I crazy? Did we share something in that Starbucks last week on 2nd? I was the tall gangly bespeckled boy with a copy of Rimbaud's A Season in Hell and piercings covering my face. You were the gray-haired matron reading The South Beach diet and drinking herbal tea. Eyes meet, winks exchanged. Let's make our own version of Harold and Mode ... emoIsme@passionlesspain.com is my e-mail.

[Pita]

E-mail love is the only way to go in my book. How would like to get a hot, steamy e-mail from a sister. Yes I am a nun but I still have temptations. If you have had visions of a habit wearing lady who spends hours on her knees, has taken a vow of silence and can brew a mean bottle of beer then drop me a line at,onehornysister.com I can't wait to hear from you sexy. ;)

[WildIrish]

You sexy thing! I saw you staring at me across the lounge. Was it my polyester leisure suit that caught your eye? Or the bulge just below my white patent leather belt? ;) Sound like a match? Let's make terrible music together!

[sodaklostsoul]

Together..you and me on a plastic sheet. Must be into food fetish!! Bring the pudding and make me scream!!

[nicole2309]

scream at me, tie me up, and do with me as you please. I am seeking a man who knows what he wants, and also knows how to make me give it to him. Virgin, spinster librarian in need of a dominant man who can bring out the wild side in me. I've read the kama sutra, and can do well over 1/2 the positions. Just need a man who is willing to make a deposit.

[blkcat]

Pent up saver who is looking for a woman he can turn upside-down and use as money box

[sodaklostsoul]

I'll use last word from last two post's....

DEPOSIT BOX...is empty, needs contributing beneficiary for long trem investment of hot steamy sex and play.

[BigBear57]

Hopeless romantic needs someone to fuck that useless notion out of my head. Used and abused but willing to learn new tricks.

[TinTennessee]

Tricks you say? Well let me take these dentures out and I'll show you a trick that will make your eyes roll back in your head!! Call me now at 1-800-SUK-HARD!

[lizzardbits]

Suk hard? Yes i do! Vacuum saleslady looking for that guy that i can demonstrate my wonderful new machine on. It comes with all sorts of awesome attachments and tools. Are your floors in need of a cleaning? I am ready to get down and get my knees dirty! Let me be the one to show you the real meaning of a job well done.

[Pita]

Done is what I want to be! Lonely 38 year old virgin is tired of waiting around for Mr. Right. I am willing to lower my standards. So if your between the ages of 21 and 75, can still get it up and want to know how it feels to pop an old cherry then PLEASE give me a call NOW!!!!!!

[blkcat]

Snap On Tool looking to sponsor a Lesbian baseball team

[Mercury_Maniac]

Team Spirit...do you have it? Frustrated college basketball coach needs some satisfaction for players. looking for a nice single slut of a woman with the regular amount of holes to service the whole team nightly after each practice. room and board provided as long as you bring the lube, protection and toys :D

[csjames75]

Toys and baubles to play with. Professional toymaker looking for a living doll of my own. Let me dress you. Let me play with you and I'll build you a house to live in; an Ibsen-esque Doll House of your own. Must be willing to share with toy soldiers and let me film it. Come to Toys-Are-Us. I live behind the alley.

[csjames75]

Alley cat ... true tomcat, looking for a pussy cat to wake the neighbors. Let's climb the fence and meow at the moon. I bring the Tender Vittles. You bring the excitement.

[SuzyQ]

44 yr old horny housewife, needs someone to satisfy her every need and hole. I am at 3986 Brown Lane. Ignore sign that say this place is protected by Smith and Wesson, and come in the back door so as to elude the pit bull, in the front yard. And if there is a huge 4X4 truck with mud on it outside, it is probably the owner of the Simth and Wesson.

[cowgirltease]

Wesson oil lover....... seeks partners to wrestle with. :D No experience needed. :D

[SuzyQ]

Can you send me the application?

[cowgirltease]

Yes ma'am. :D

applications wanted........45 yr old divorced bisexual cowgirl needs help on the farm.
Must be aggressive and not afraid to get your hands dirty. Room and board provided.
Only requirements are that you are experienced in rope tying. :p

[csjames75]

*laugh* I have references if you're still talking apps

Tying me up? That's what Poppa needs. Looking for a little girl complete with lollypop and pigtails to rope an older man in with her Lolita charms. Nympthettes need only apply. I'll supply the red plaid skirt .... preferably Catholic.

[mannis]

Seeking take charge female person to acquire and secure rambunkcous steed......experience required in handling of steed and training of such, to ensure potent potential is nursed and brought out in an explosive manner at the peak of growth.Working conditions are generally stated as wet and sticky....and one may be exposed to some internal bruising.

[Pita]

Bruising my butt with your hand is what this bad, little girl needs. Looking for a Daddy who is good at doling out punishment and making me feel like the naughty girl I am. Must be authoritive, can lecture me on my behavior and willing to put me in my place.

[SuzyQ]

Bi lady looking for woman that can use a flogger (provided) and who is experienced and can teach me how to be proficient in using a strap on (also provided). You must be a non smoker, but can be short, tall, chubby, busty, flat, etc etc. You must be female.

[cowgirltease]

Female looking for male or female that would love to make videos together.
Equipment and props supplied.

[mannis]

Skilled female labourers required.....must be good with hands...flexible and know the general area....constant interaction required to ensure fulfillment of assigned tasks and complete satisfaction of clients

[Mercury_Maniac]

Clients doubling as lovers wanted. Come in and get your monthly physical. Then go home with me and get your needed satifying :D. I can go for hours due to installing air pump and chamber in my schlong. Just pump me up and stay hard for hours :D
Call Now for free trial!

[cowgirltease]

Damn I feel special!!!!!! My quote on your ^^^^^^^ signature! :)

[darogle]

Very cool indeed!

(now to get back into the game)

Trial is almost over, so how about a hot night out on the town to celebrate? Seeking a hot, fun loving woman for dinner, dancing and maybe more...may also have to be very patient as I may be gone for the next 10-20 years.

[csjames75]

Ten to 20 years. Looking for another serial monogomist to cohabitat for at least a decade. Don't worry we can use labels on our property. Intimacy for more than a score of years not wanted. After all, people change. Submit resume and a head shot to 1-800-REAL-IST. Inquiries welcome.

[osuche]

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. Amnesiac seeking mate who will leave all baggage, family, and friends at the door. Must provide a loving home, all furniture, and be willing to train someone who has forgotten all job and social skills. I'll be waiting for you at Starbucks.

[csjames75]

Starbucks ... can fairytales start there among the pierced and hipper than thou coffee barristas and foamy capps? You smiled at me over your book and I hid my mine ... for the record, it was Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but promise me you'll tell no one. If we had a moment, e-mail me at emomartyr@sarcasm.com. Please include favorite verse.

[dick_king]

Urgent!!! Unwashed nerd with bottle-base thick glasses that keep slipping down seeks like minded mathematical genius for all-night, no-holds-harred, full-on matrix theory action. Please enclose full calculator photo.

[nicole2309]

Photo Pro in search of willing subjects to fill the pages of up and comming fetish mag. Must fit into one of the following categories: extemely small penis (almost non existent), peculiar genitalia, or very well endowed men (only ones that hang past the knees need respond). We hope to get lots of responses, so we can get the first issue out and in stores.

[dick_king]

Stored-up frustration? Mild mannered man into straight sex, oral sex, DIY, toys, S&M, role-play, anal sex, golden showers, scat, gang bangs and orgies, gas mask sex, branding, bestality, incest, mummification, fingernail removal and hysterectomy seeks shy, virginal, mild mannered similar minded lady for fun and friendship. Need not apply if you've already had a hysterectomy.

[csjames75]

Hysterectomy patients need not apply. Men in search of a woman with a womb. I am Arthur Earnest Higgenthorp IV and I need to produce an heir for my pre-fab bathtup manufacturing empire. We supply the entire Tri-county area. Must be open to primogeniture hereditary rights. Barefoot and uneducated preferred. Will get you pregnant.

[nicole2309]

Pregnant woman looking for men with a fetish. Seeking out multiple men who enjoy both gang bangs and pregos. Hoping to get the action started ASAP, so please don't delay in getting back with me. You can email me at sexymomma@fetishflicks.net Only non camera shy, well hung men need apply

[darogle]

Apply your make up with a garden trowel? Is your hair teased 4 feet high? Do you wear spandex short shorts to formal functions? You're my kinda gal! I like my women just a little on the trashy side. You must be attracted to beer guts and greasy t-shirts. Sound like heaven to you? Drop me a line.

[dicksbro]

Hard cock seeks soft vagina for one night stand ... although sitting and laying down are acceptable..

[rockintime]

Acceptable hardon in search of accepting pussy.

[dicksbro]

Steamin' Semen for Good Ol' Eggs. Deposited Within.

[Coaster]

Within these walls you can let your imagination reign freely. Open your mind and try whatever you've only fantasized. And when we're exhausted, I'll unleash upon you, Lilith!

[lafehubert]

Lilith and I looking for bevy of beautiful sex starved nymphomaniacs. Must be virgin.

[dicksbro]

Attractive woman wanted who especially like serving men orally. Removable dentues a plus. :)

[lafehubert]

(I thought you were supposed to use last word of last post?) :frown:

Plus sized guy seeks minus sized girl to control and beat like redheaded stepchild. Please send stats mine are 50-90-70. Would love to start with webcam.

[GusAspar]

Webcam pictures may be sent to me by women who want to get close. We can then meet on the Underground in the rush hour and press our bodies intimately against each other.

[Vicious Tease]

Other people say you're ugly? Me too! Let's get together and see if we can stand the sight of each other. (Bring a paper sack just in case) email me at uglychic@doublebagger.com

[lafehubert]

doublebagger.com seeking new talent. Must have hour glass figure and a face that could curdle mud. All eligible applicants guaranteed work. Earn up to $1000 in one day! Send e-mail with face and full body shots to nastyned@doublebagger.com. Remember the farther you go and the uglier you are, the more you make!

[dicksbro]

Make extra income ... become a part of the fast growing (pun intended) adult entertainment industry. No previous experience could be a plus. :p

[lizzardbits]

Plus sized men! Lingerie Company for men seeks men with big luscious Man-boobs to model our new line of man-bras. Bro-Bras come in a variety of manly colors and team emblems, as well as camouflage, and hunter blaze-orange perfect for hunting season. Please send chest shots to Bro_Bras@ManboobsRawk.com No experience required.

[dicksbro]

Required for male and female nude modeling positions is a willingness to present yourself naked and in compromising postions.

[Coaster]

Come over to meet me at The Crazy Bar if you want to drink Jack Daniels, smoke cigars, flash you pantyless ass, smell delicious, your tongue tip reaches below your chin, have smokin' eyes, beautiful perky breasts, you've been taking dance classes since you were 5, your sense of humor leans totally on the sexual side........ damn I'm tired of typing this.... gotta take a nap. :shrug:

[kleclere]

Naps are optional if you truly can not fit it. But hope I can keep you awake with the many activities I have planned. If you think you can keep up contact me for more information.

[Coaster]

Your mission..... should you choose to accept..... is to keep me hard!

[dicksbro]

Don't apply, strip and lay down. :)

[kleclere]

Sexy lets go.

[dicksbro]

Go, go, go is the cry some ladies might use to speed up their male lovers.

(Just re-read the rules and we're suppose to use the last word of the previous poster as the first word in our new post. I see I didn't do that in my last post. Me bad. :( )

[kleclere]

Lovers are welcome to enjoy our hospitality.

[dicksbro]

Hospitality is my middle name no matter what position we try. :)

[kleclere]

Try what every you want, I'm game.

[dicksbro]

Game ... is that what we're suppose to call her?

[Aqua]

Her fantasy is to act like a wild animal, so I'm in need of a zookeeper or anyone with access to large cages. Also need access to a circus ringleader costume.

[kleclere]

Costumes are always welcome but cum as you are.

[dicksbro]

Are you wanting to have fun? Are you asking me to cum? In the dark, or in the sun?

[kleclere]

Sun and fun right here for all who are interested.

[dicksbro]

Interested ladies will always find willing and anxious guys here at Pixies Place. :)

[Coaster]

Let me apply within!

[kleclere]

Within you will find your wildest dreams.

[dicksbro]

Dreams can be fulfilled if you're a young lady wanting company.

[kleclere]

Company in all aspects of the word.

[jseal]

Word is that the position needs filling.

[kleclere]

Filling any and all positions.

[dicksbro]

Positions as defined in the Kama Sutra are practiced here. If you can handle them, please apply.

[kleclere]

Apply within if you can handle all positions offered.

[jseal]

Multiple openings available; only the ambidextrous need apply

[kleclere]

Apply all openings to the stiff pieces.

[gigi]

SWF seeking a gentleman who likes long walks and romantic dinners. Also, must be willing to dress like a cat. It comforts the 40 real ones I have....

[dicksbro]

Have a great time, help make our ends meet. :D

[dicksbro]

Meet me in the bedroom if your a young, beautiful lady.